chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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