We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
