You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
