Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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