yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
