We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
