Taylor Swift is so right about you.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
