i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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