FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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