and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
