You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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