my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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