Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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