i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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