I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
