I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
