I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
