hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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