Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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