Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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