You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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