Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
