dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize