I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
