OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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