I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
