so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
