they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
