Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
