well I can't set my house on fire every night
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
