Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
