The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
