Texts From Last Night

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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?

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  (616): Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma? http://tfl.nu/rtd3
  Replies (4) Good night (565) Bad night (2531)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.

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  (856): would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions. http://tfl.nu/8b19
  Replies (5) Good night (3068) Bad night (588)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.

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  (518): Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion. http://tfl.nu/ju2t
  Replies (49) Good night (2894) Bad night (616)
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?

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  (641): Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart? http://tfl.nu/xjrc
  Replies (23) Good night (3301) Bad night (1459)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.

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  (352): You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant. http://tfl.nu/vzqd
  Replies (8) Good night (3640) Bad night (625)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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  (813): he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there http://tfl.nu/k2pn
  Replies (14) Good night (6830) Bad night (1091)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.

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  (970): I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now. http://tfl.nu/y6ao
  Replies (10) Good night (2795) Bad night (1036)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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  (703): he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh (1-703): be sure to add "office slut" to your resume http://tfl.nu/3kje
  Replies (10) Good night (4851) Bad night (1091)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

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  (419): You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster http://tfl.nu/810i
  Replies (9) Good night (2730) Bad night (1133)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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  (519): He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier. http://tfl.nu/icz2
  Replies (9) Good night (3741) Bad night (1124)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.

  (817): View more from Texas

  So yeah he had good weed?

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  (817): I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft. (817): So yeah he had good weed? http://tfl.nu/m1w9
  Replies (4) Good night (846) Bad night (487)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.

  (1-320): View more from Minnesota

  The apocalypse has arrived.

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  (320): For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment. (1-320): The apocalypse has arrived. http://tfl.nu/kypn
  Replies (1) Good night (628) Bad night (384)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing

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  (716): while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing http://tfl.nu/6vwv
  Replies (2) Good night (788) Bad night (286)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.

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  (817): No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk. http://tfl.nu/z5k9
  Replies (0) Good night (293) Bad night (592)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.

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  (651): i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again. http://tfl.nu/awxi
  Replies (2) Good night (358) Bad night (496)

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