Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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