I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.