Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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