I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i need some magic done to my vagina
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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