I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
