some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
