wat bout pragnant strippers??
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
