If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
