Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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