I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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