Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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