don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
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I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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