having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
