How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
