ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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