Already got asked if we're dating
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
