Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
