i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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