Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
