i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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