You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
