Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
