We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
