I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
