he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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