Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
how does that bad decision feel?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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