i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
