I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And then the night went full on bisexual.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
