So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
